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Dec. 10th, 2009


Shameless Avatar Preview

The bold mind can read a review, if only for contrast and comparison, but the bold decision is unwavering in the face of even an ocean like span of smelly, artless critique. So like the many bold, anonymous, internet trolls before me, this bold writer will now present a PREVIEW to a movie I have yet to see. Sure, reviews have come out already, and I've read them all. Sure there's nearly unanimous praise for groundbreaking work from almost every letter yet written on the title. None of these words shall sway me as none of them were bold enough to write a conclusion with so much at risk, let alone boldly break the writing rule to avoid repetition as I so boldly do. My iron forged bias remains firmly intact.

The Official Word on the upcoming 3D movie, James Cameron's "Avatar":

It'll probably be worth seeing in the 3D IMAX theater.

The truth! I'm putting my hard earned, well deserved, reputation on the line and saying that for the price of what the average American earns in an hour, people can see probably the most expensive 3 hours of film making ever created. You work about an hour. You reap the entertainment that took years of time, many multi-millions of dollars, and thousands of man hours to create. Goddamn right it's worth it.

Sure, you'll have to be prepared for some heavy handed, liberally slanted, hippie magic, propaganda, but the visual spectacle will be well worth it and it'll be nothing new Hollywood loves to skullfuck our eyes and ears with. Take blue, elf looking, fern gully, Pocahontas riding mythical, fantasy creatures, add aliens' power loading(complete with Sigourney Weaver from Alien(s)), robot-jox, space marines and you've got a derivative genre similar to every sci-fi-fantasy nerd's wet dreams rolled into one.

Let me translate to my fellow geeks. It's like if WOW Night Elf Mages-hunter-druid-shamens breed with Draenei and Starcraft's Protoss then fight StarCraft's Terrans while riding Mutalisk/chimera and hydra-faced, 6 legged panthers. If Blizzard hadn't stolen all their ideas from Tolkien, Doom, Starship troopers, and yes, Aliens, they might have a lawsuit on their hands. King Solomon observed there is nothing new under the sun 3000 years ago. I'm not(usually) one to hold it against anyone unoriginal today(tomorrow or any subsequent days are free game).

Sure, we'll see some Romeo/Juliet style forbidden love for women and 'the gays' which will be thoroughly unsatisfying to the men with testosterone producing balls when neither Romeo nor Juliet actually dies. It's okay because us gorilla wrestling, beer drinker types will get plenty of explosions, military action, and if I know Cameron, some softcore, yet oddly arousing, blue, alien titties.

Cameron obviously has a good record (although I hated Titanic with every fiber of my being each and every one of the three times I saw it in the theater). The music should work well, possibly create lasting associations like Terminator's thumping metallic drumbeat, or Titanic's seemingly endless "My heart will go on" bullshit everyone ate up. Thankfully there's no loudly recognizable A-listers to pull you out of the experience like your 6 year-old nephew waving at you from on stage the school's A Midsummer Night's Dream extravaganza.

No this won't be "Godfather". I'm not even expecting Bloodgasmic "Braveheart". I'm not even sure I'll like it better than Avatar, the completely unrelated, Airbending cartoon. It will definitely be a thrill ride, that with the new, expectation stomping advances in 3D viewing, an astronomical budget, and Cameron's eye for awesome will feel more immersive and exciting a show than has probably ever been seen before. Grab your popcorn, leave your brain at the door, and enjoy.


Boldly previewing where I have never gone before.

Dec. 9th, 2009


The Future is Now

I was jogging during my lunch break and happened upon a marvel of the 21st century. What was once multicolored hammer pants, leather jacket and a giant boombox slung over the shoulder blasting Run DMC has now become a poncho and an open laptop in hand lightly playing gangsta' rap midi through the built-in speakers.

Apparently there's ghetto in every age.


Apr. 6th, 2009


That One Last Hill

Hidden hooks pull back my lips
as my face fights the expression.
I had better luck against the tide.

My brother's glassy eyes betray him.
Smirk to snicker, I giggle and choke.
All I hear is blasted ringing.
I look down and smear his brow with red.

It's not funny. 
Why am I laughing?
We crawled up one hill too many.
This last one I didn't follow.

His body is broken, 
but his mind doesn't know.
Can't even lie to him through the laughter.
There isn't enough time anyway.

I can still feel the cool wind bite my wet clothes.
Smoke filled air burns my lungs.
The rain of metal and fire makes the ground boil and reek.
Gasping sobs can't stop my laughter.

My mind has broken, 
but my body knows.
I am still alive.

Maybe he'll forgive me 
if I join him over that one last hill.


Little idea that popped into my head reading a poem forum.  Critiques welcome.

Feb. 20th, 2009


Meter Maids: Government Supported Rape

Man's Car Rammed onto Sidewalk, Meter Maid uses Opportunity to Ticket Improper Parking

I've thought long and hard about this.  Years before this article came out I've held this opinion, but this article pushed me to put my thoughts down in writing.  A Meter Maid is the most worthless profession.

If ever there was a more gratuitous, draconian abuse of power since the beginning of time for something so unimportant I don't know what it is.  Anal retentive, pathetic human beings are devotedly judging your parking behavior.  They have the power to charge you outrageous fines right in the sweet spot where it costs enough to anger you for days, but just cheap enough where fighting the most egragious errors of judgement actually costs you more time, stress, and emotional investment than the charge is worth.  The synergistic frustration mounts to family breaking levels.  Just the other day I fought with my girlfriend over a parking ticket simply because the fight had been raped out of me, but she still wanted justice for an obviously abusive parking penalty.

Even valid fines are incredibly over taxing.  $100 fine for a 75 cent parking meter several seconds over due?  Fuck you!

Even blood sucking lawyers have their uses.  You may have well founded hate for lawyers, but at least they have some value.  You may need lawyers to handle the mountains of law, defend your rights, and seek your personal justice.  Meter maids have no such use.

Garbage men deal with filth all day long.  They smell, they wade through the shit no one wants, and have a job I wouldn't wish on almost anyone.  They are absolutely invaluable.  I have the highest respect for the men that willing take on such difficult, nasty, but very necessary work.  Meter maids garner no such respect.

Special needs people are more useful.  Sure they weren't gifted with a higher intelligence or the ability to safely navigate the world without a helmet, but at least they work at some factory and do basic, but useful sorting.

Illegal immigrants may arguably steal prestigious American jobs like field picking and house keeping, but even they are more useful and
loved than meter maids.

Prostitutes, even those without hearts of gold, commonly looked down upon, hold titles commonly used as a derogatory term still hold more value.  They may sell their bodies for money, but the snooty, self-important, prick, meter maids sell their souls.

You may hate police, but anarchy would insue if they didn't exist.  If meter maids were all murdered, er, I mean changed profession, then celebrity would insue.  

What about the jerks that would double park their cars?  Call a tow truck, let the police do their job, be a man and start an altercation.  Do anything but pay a useless human being to patrol parked cars.

Meter maids are worse, more useless, more worthlesss than every other profession.  Not only do they add no value, they are a literal drain on the lives of hard working citizens, the economy, and the already strained government budget.  I long for the day this absess covered thorn is removed from an already suffering society.

Jan. 6th, 2009


Fields of Fight and Fodder

I used to be so content. I found beauty in everything. The grass was greener on my side of the fence. I didn't need material things and never spent a lingering thought for them. I didn't need those many desirous eyes wanting me to feel validated.

I saw what I wanted. I got her. I gave her everything I was certain of. I gave her myself, and insatiably she swallowed me whole. When the dust settled, the damage was done and I could not accept her back because I was no longer the same person.

Now no woman can satisfy me. No woman no matter how perfect, beautiful, caring, fun, exciting, or new. Not one, not one thousand. I cannot be contented because I am not content with the lack in myself. I cannot fill that lack with someone else because the lack was always that part of myself that died.

Understanding this is far from resolution or peace. It feels like a lifetime has passed and I am a different man looking on a past life. I refuse to repeat the past of failure. I will never give up. My strength of will is indomitable, and flying free is exciting, but far have I walked from those fields of green.

Feb. 25th, 2008


Hurts So Good

My arm is broken. Not in a broken bone kind of way, but I cannot forcibly straighten it all the way and it doesn't respond to my commands without telling me to 'Fuck-off' and sending large amounts of pain signals to my brain.

I can't wait to go back to the gym tonight so my brother can break some other part of my body on the sacrificial slab of 'looking good'.

Working out makes me feel euphoric, and I love to hear the impressed remarks over my chiseled stomach and trim body, but honestly... I just want to throw back some beer, drown myself with greasy food, grab some ice cream, a warm blanket and let Jack Bauer save me in 24 hours or less. Why can't that be what women find attractive? I could be the sexiest man alive.

Oh well, back to the slave ship.


Feb. 20th, 2008


Scarcity and Hyperbole

I want so much, I want to never stop wanting.


Feb. 11th, 2008


Let there be Flashing Lights

Dear Las Vegas,

You are a filthy whore.

Surely the beauty of your strip is clothed in blinding glory and shining buildings like mythical titans lording over the money hungry denizens worshiping at their feet far below. The luminous monsters of concrete and glass are draped in a golden luster, but that only covers an empty shell bathed in broken dreams and shattered hopes. The smell of cancer and loss drips from the ceilings, but the blinking Jackpots and the sound of clanging coins all too quickly distracts the eager mind full of green. The waves of people willingly flow around and through these ever multiplying giants all too eager to be their very lifeblood. They are all too willing in their drunken laughter to lose themselves to your vacuous abyss.

Your sons, these mighty, invincible eaters of joy have become so fat and lazy with their endless feasting. Bacchus, himself, could not have fathomed how far your whore children would surpass him the way they laugh and drink and fuck. Until the end of the world they shall feed and bloat, but I have stolen from their plate and have returned home with more than I left with... more money anyways.

Surely I still reek from the stench of your narcissist's bed, and surely the wounds on my soul will scar over. Surely you are the enemy of my peace, my happiness, and everything I hold sacred.

I'll see you in a month.


Feb. 6th, 2008


"I'm too old for this shit"

Dear Jailbait,

It's wrong. Please stop. If you're not old enough, then don't dress like you are.

I have no interest in girls that are too young for me. Besides the bat-crazy maturity level, moral reasons, and the pure gross factor, it's illegal. Argue what you want against lubricious ladies of age dressing like cheap Malaysian hookers, but who can argue for girls trying to entrap men that could go to jail for such illicit lasciviousness?

Sometimes I feel like I have to be a bouncer at the M's Bar of Interest. I'm asking age, checking ID's, and shaking my head at some of the shameless attempts to cheat the system. "Old enough" or "Don't worry about it" or even "Isn't it rude to ask a girl her age?" are not appropriate answers anymore and it's your fault. You're not a thirty-something turning 29 for the 5th time this year and smashing your recently grown breasts into that wonderbra and exposing your cleavage to the world does not make you any more legal than a Thai she-male trying to bring prostitution to the Amish Country. It certainly doesn't make you any more attractive to me(in comparison to yourself not dressing like a whore, not in comparison to the she-male...that's just nasty)

Bad form, Jailbait, bad form. Work out your mental disorders on someone your own age.

Have a nice day!


Jan. 29th, 2008


And I swore I'd never post.

Dear God,

I fucking love pineapple. I'm eating some now and it's like my mouth is orgasming. Thank you for pineapple. It's so sweet and tart and delicious. Well done God, well done.



p.s. Please send someone to fix the horrible search engine of this website.